A Rant on What Not To Say To Someone Recovering From An Eating Disorder
When you’re recovering from an eating disorder, you’re bound to be met with, at some point, the comment that we all dread:
’You look well!’
In my experience, though I have only actually heard this a handful of times, this usually comes from those who have not seen me for a while. Those that hand out this comment do not know the weight it carries on sufferers - although it may be heard as a compliment to most ears, this is definitely not the case. The most recent comment that really pained me to receive was:
‘You look like you’re doing really well with your weight.'
This one particularly cut deeper than the rest as this came from someone who I have opened up to, in length, about my struggles. So you can imagine I was astounded that they would decide to approach the topic in this manner. To comment on someones weight is always unnecessary - unless a comment is specifically asked for, which I highly doubt it ever is. Regardless of whether weight is lost or gained, it is not appropriate. Ever. I understand that there is a lack of understanding and education surrounding the complexities of eating disorders, but of course it should, surely (?) be common sense to know this is not an okay thing to say. To anybody. I place a lot of worth onto my weight and onto my appearance - I know I am not alone in this. Ugh. Even seeing and typing the word ‘weight’ makes me wince.
Anyway, for some further context, this person was responding to a picture I had posted onto my Instagram account. So they are making assumptions based on solely an image they have seen. Social media is not a reflection of how we are doing. We merely share what we want people to see. This, of course, can get twisted. Just because I "look better", on a picture that has been carefully selected from probably over a dozen other photos, doesn’t mean I am. It is possible to still be stuck and fixated with disordered patterns, thoughts, and behaviours when a sufferer is in the process of weight restoration and even if weight restoration has occurred.
This brings me to the point that I always, always, ALWAYS, struggle with the fact that, although I've been very underweight for my height and been in treatment, I have not "looked sick" (whatever that means) to the average eye. Well, perhaps I should say I have never looked my version of "sick", or that my own eyes can see anyway. Shoutout to body dysmorphia. Eating disorders can be very competitive illnesses - pro-ana/pro-mia/thinspo/ED TWITTER, Tumblr, ED Chatrooms are shadowy places on the web in which I was a religious participant (and still visit now and then) - in which sufferers can compare/give tips to each other and egg on behaviours. There are some accounts/sites that are pro-recovery and that are very helpful as an online community to encourage recovery. But it is very easy to take a wrong turn and slip into the other side. It is very dark and destructive but very addicting and comforting - especially if you are looking to purposely trigger yourself. These dark corners of the web, alongside additional stresses including environmental/societal/personal/work pressures, fuel the disorder even further and the brain distorts any rational thinking. Because of all of this mentioned, I felt, and feel, unworthy and often convince myself, after comparing my outward appearance to those "sicker", that I am "not sick" or "not sick enough" for help or support. It took me an incredibly long time to get help - 7 to 8 years. 7 or 8 years of silent suffering, ongoing suffering.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that praises weight loss and striving for perfection is deemed a positive thing. There is, of course, no shame in wanting things done to your own personal standards. But when these standards become obsessive, consuming, and debilitating - this is when the issues arise. I am a self-confessed perfectionist and over-achiever - to the point where I will procrastinate for hours, days, weeks, out of fear of doing something incase it is not done perfectly, or for fear of failure. My perfectionist traits paired with my expectations of myself/my eating disorder/set rules/set weight goals? Well. You can imagine the mental turmoil.
Having a good, healthy, understanding support system around you is essential if you are to succeed in recovery. I do have this, but I have had experiences with friends and people I talk to on a regular basis that have made some questionable choices regarding my recovery. In the past, some have actively encouraged my disordered behaviours and although, a part of me wants to hear these things, another part of me is angry at the fact that they think that what they say are okay things to say. For example, one time after a panic and expressing my need to (TW) purge, a friend said to me to 'purge it'. Yes, perhaps they didn't know how to respond and wanted to make me happy by telling me what I want to hear, but this is not acceptable, nor is it helpful. Effort is not a one way street though. Express your needs. Express your worries. Express your concerns. Express how you want to be helped. Call people out on their bullshit or if they are triggering you or upsetting you in any way. Or, if you are not confident, or knowing, to how you want others to approach you and your eating disorder, actively encourage loved ones to do their own research into suitable and appropriate help/advice. We are loved and people just want to help us - even if this comes out in weird ways. With this being said, you can only do so much. Some people still remain blinded by the notions and physical 'expectations' of eating disorders. I recall being met with, after drunkenly unloading my trauma, (it’s cool, it happens, everyone does it), “but you don't look like you have an eating disorder” and, after having treatment someone said to me: “I didn’t think you looked too thin."
..........
????????????????
This view needs to change. It is so damaging, toxic, and dangerous. If you are not in control of your eating disorder, these comments have the potential to spiral your recovery - it certainly does mine. One comment such as this can set me back months worth of progress. As mentioned above, I struggle to associate myself with "being ill" (denial also plays a factor in this too) because perhaps I don't meet the standard ‘image’ that springs to mind when eating disorders are mentioned. A lot of minds will wander towards and picture a white, emaciated, anorexic, teenage girl. Eating disorders, for which there are MANY types, do not discriminate against age, race, ethnicity, status. Losing weight is just ONE PHYSICAL symptom/side effect and, in actual fact, a lot of sufferers are of normal weight, some even overweight.
Eating disorders are complex mental illnesses, not physical.
The severity of one’s suffering should not be based on outward appearance.
There are plenty of resources/information/essays/studies/books available online and in your local library if you wish for further information. Please see below a few links to organisations, charities, advice, and education on eating disorders.
0808 801 0711 (youthline)
0808 801 0811 (studentline)
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