Just A Very Quick Update!
It's been a year since I was receiving treatment for an eating disorder/depression, undergoing tremendous stress from being referred to an inpatient clinic, having weekly blood tests/physical observations, and also tests on my heart (ECGs) weekly.
Things have not been peachy keen recently, so here we are again. We really have come full circle!
Over the past couple of months, I have been aware of my mental and physical health being in a steady decline but I remained very reluctant to reaching out again (due to anxiety, denial, and not wanting to be a bother to NHS services, especially in the current situation). I was particularly anxious about the fact that, as mentioned above, it’s been a year since I'd been in treatment previously, but more so, because I left treatment due to not feeling ready at that point.
I have a tendency to engage in self-destructive behaviours and escapism when I am dealing with difficult emotions and relapse. Alongside self-destructive behaviours, I often revert back to the thought that is ‘easier’ to succumb to the familiarity of my eating disorder when life gets a little blurry, instead of dealing with issues/emotions/situations rationally. My eating disorder offers me a false sense of security/stability, temporary relief, and control when things feel up in the air. My brain has tricked me into thinking losing weight is what I am “good at”, and that being ill is easier than coping with the real world. I know, deep in myself, that neither of those things are true. Eating disorders are liars, they may disguise themselves as being comforting, but they are not your friend.
REMINDER TO YOU, AND MYSELF: YOU ARE ALWAYS DESERVING OF HELP. NO MATTER HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN, THE SEVERITY OF YOUR SUFFERING, OR WHAT YOUR SITUATION IS.
Recovery is a choice I have to make daily and I cannot seem to do that this time on my own. Relapses happen! It is okay! We keep it moving! February is on the way. A month intertwined with love. Love is something we all need to give ourselves. I made the active step to ring the doctors and get help again. I need to make another appointment, and then we go from there.
Seek out help, guidance, and support when you need it. The first step is the hardest, sometimes we have to take that same first step over and over. And that’s okay🌞
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